Writing this blog has become a near daily experience for me and I have a ritualistic approach to generate my topics. With green tea in hand, I peruse my favorite websites in order to find inspiration for my postings. Time and time again PeopleofWalmart.com has become my safety net because of the absurdity they collect and today we have another Asscapades extravaganza:
What was this poor creature thinking when she left her house, ‘I paid $55 for the full Brazilian so I want to get my money’s worth?’ Seriously, I would gladly pay her back twofold to put her business under lock and key.
My dear pear shaped ladies, today’s fashion tip you need to always remember is that barring topless beaches in Europe, public nudity is not a viable option. Generally, if you are gorgeous and have a rocking body you will just come off as cheap. If your thighs have more ripples then the ocean then frankly, all the land-lubbers will get a little sea sick. Please be kind, and cover that behind!
Halloween is right around the corner and you can tap into your inner super hero, favorite animal, zombie or what-have-you. Donning a costume that is store-bought, rented or home made will allow you to lower your inhibitions naturally (as long as everyone else is also dressed up) and let you live out your fantasies for a night.
However, no one wants to end up having a Halloween Hangover filled with regret for the costume they chose. By putting a little thought into the big day now, you can easily avoid the regret of the day after. Some costume “don’ts” for anyone, including pear shaped women include (in no particular order):
- Any type of jumpsuit ensemble: Whether you want to go as a member of Devo or Cat Woman, not only is the fabric extremely unforgiving, but going to the bathroom is a pain in the Pear Shaped buttocks.
- “Sexy” anything off the rack: Dressing up sexy is always part of the Halloween fun. However costumes with “sexy” in the name tend to look cheap and if they have to call it “sexy” in reality it is probably not. Plus imagine the walk of shame home the day after?
- Anything that is outside of your ethnicity: Pear shaped or not, you risk coming off as a bit of racist, so why even take the chance. This rule does not apply to fictional ethnicities however like Smurfs, Martians and the like.
- Any type of fat suit: Not flattering, not cute and not at all comfortable.
- Overexposed celebrities: Aren’t we all a bit sick of Paris Hilton, Sarah Palin and Kate Gossling? Please just try to let sleeping dogs lie.
- Dressing like a hooker: Why portray being a slave to the sex industry when dressing up like a pimp will give you all the power.
- Sporting the look of a tourist: Mom jeans, fanny packs, a slogan T-shirt and a camera is all it will take to make your butt look big and make you look at least 10 years older
- Conceptual Costumes: Do you really want to spend all night explaining that you are a “numerical sequence,” “Freudian slip” or “behind the eight ball?” I think not.
- Rubber Mask of Anyone: Your face won’t breath, the toxic fumes will make you light-headed and quite frankly, they are a big pain in the ass.
- Using “Drag” Makeup: If you put on so much make-up that you resemble a “drag-queen” gender confusion may ensue and you ultimately may be extremely upset with the results.
More people need to do a double take in the mirror before leaving the house to ensure that everything that should be covered is and that no one should have to see your truly dirty little secrets. Courtesy of the hilarity of Fail Blog here is a prime example of this fashion tip that all people, pear shaped, apple shaped or spaghetti shaped near to adhere to:
Seriously, this disaster makes me long for her to cover up her assets with the Winky Jeans.
Even pear shaped gals with a great sense of humor should avoid this fashion “trend” as they will ultimately become the “butt” of many jokes.
Seriously, the last thing pear shaped ladies should want to do is draw attention to their bulky bottoms. That means some fashion trends such as acid wash, bleached jeans and pastel bottoms should be avoided at every cost.
Dark jeans in blacks and blues are awesome in nearly every cut from skinny to flared. Colored jeans such as purple or green can work as long as the fit is perfect.
When I find the best options for the current jean trends (and more) I will certainly post with all the information. Until then thanks for keeping the world pretty, by avoiding one bad trend at a time.